We have hope

What I am about to write has taken a lot of courage for me to write. I am not trying to get pity for I know that this is a very sensitive topic, but for me writing things down is therapeutic and helps me overcome my deepest pains. So please bear with me as what I am about to share is extremely personal.

These last two weeks of my life have been the hardest two weeks of my entire life. As I sit back and reflect on what has happened, it makes me incredibly grateful for the tender mercies given to me during this time. I know that it is through these tender mercies I was being prepared for what was going to happen. It also brings tears to my eyes, both happy and sad, both of frustration and of joy. I have had to fall to my knees several times not even knowing what to pray for, but simply just seeking for answers. These past two weeks have been so emotional and heartbreaking for us, but surprisingly just what we needed.

Let’s back up to when it all started shall we? Back in October, Spencer and I were privileged to have the opportunity to go to Maui. It was, in simple words, incredibly beautiful. It was a week full of sunshine, happiness, and love. We came back refreshed and ready to finish the semester strong. The day we came back was the day we found out we were pregnant. We were both so excited and the thought of being parents scared us silly. On the contrary, we were full of the giddiness of it all. For me at least, it was what we needed to complete our missing puzzle piece. Not only did I take one pregnancy test to confirm, I took four. All came out nice and positive. Within that week I had scheduled an appointment with my OB/Gyn and was ecstatic. 

As my pregnancy symptoms were in full swing, Spencer and I became even more excited. The weeks and days grew closer to our first appointment and the nerves were killing me. Finally, at week 9, the day of our appointment arrived. I was shaking all day long, not knowing what to expect. I had my list of questions prepared, my family history ready to share, and my new pump showing how good my blood sugars were. As we were called back to the exam room I was excited to finally see that little baby that had been making me sick. We had the sweetest ultrasound tech and explained everything as best she could. She started off doing the normal measurements and things appeared to be fine. As she zoomed in on the embryonic sac, my heart started to race just a little. I thought to myself, here we go, ready or not! However the tech didn’t seem excited anymore. I remember her going over and over my belly, zooming in and out, trying to get a good look, but her face then became concerned. There was nothing in the sac. Nothing. It was perfectly round, measuring right on time, right in the middle of my uterus, but it was empty. She put the machine down and calmly said, “Let me go ask the doctor something,” “We might need to do a transvaginal ultrasound,” “I’ll be right back.” As she left the room, I looked at Spencer, not emotional yet, and said, “That’s not good…” What seemed like forever, our tech came back in and advised that I needed to go empty my bladder as we needed to do the other type of ultrasound. This was my first time with the “wand” and it was awkward. My heart started racing again, but for a completely different reason this time. As we started the process again, I knew at that moment we wouldn’t receive good news. Looking over and over, we all saw the same thing as before. Absolutely nothing. Slowly I realized what was going on, but kept my emotions steady.

We then waited more. When finally my OB was ready to see me. They did my vitals, everything came back normal. After this I don’t really remember what was said. Because of my diabetes, I was referred to a high risk OB, so this was my first time meeting her. We got seriously lucky to have such a compassionate OB who was genuinely concerned for us. She explained that as clear as day there was an embryonic sac, but it contained no embryo. It was and still is hard for me understand how this is even possible. She advised that we schedule an appointment for two weeks out, as there could be a chance an embryo could show up. At this same time I remember my lip started to quiver and I started to cry. We were told that there was a very high chance that we would have a miscarriage in the next two weeks. As Spencer and I held each other, it was hard for me to not get emotional. How could this happen to us? I had a rush of doubting everything I ever believed in. We, I thought were ready to be parents. We were (and still are) so excited to welcome a baby into our family. My mind was screaming, “How could this be?” Over and over and over. I knew at this point we had to prepare for the worst and hope for the best. That afternoon, while I was still very emotional, my Aunt came to visit and shared some very wise words that helped me realize the bigger picture.

During this hard time, I was reminded of my all-time favorite hymn, “Be Still, My Soul”

 Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;

With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.

Leave to thy God to order and provide;

In ev'ry change he faithful will remain.

Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy heav'nly Friend

Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul.

These words have stuck by me and helped me understand that whatever was going to happen, I would not be alone. It reminded me that Spencer and I are strong and together we will get through this. That weekend, we talked about everything. I cried more than I thought I could ever cry. My eyes, I thought would be permanently puffy. I went to the temple that Saturday and was overcome with peace, and knew that this part of our story wouldn't end as we had planned. I was also assured that all of my babies were surrounding me that day, giving me the extra boost I needed to continue to be happy. I had to be strong. Throughout the week, we were blessed by so many wonderful things, which made me realize how truly loved we are. From dinner, to notes, to songs, to visits, to Facebook messages and more. I could feel the love of everyone who was concerned, and for that I will be forever grateful for. The week was quickly progressing and still no signs of miscarriage.

On Thanksgiving morning Spencer and I decided to carry on like our normal selves and we went to the gym. On this snowy and freezing morning (not that this part has anything to do with what happened the following days but…) I slipped and fell in the parking lot, thanks to the unsalted parking lot. If only I knew at that point that slipping was an indication of how the rest of my weekend would be… As we arrived home going about our duties, I began to spot. Immediately, I knew what that meant. I was filled with sorrow and knew what I needed to do. It’s amazing how much love you gain for something that you haven’t even touched, seen, or held yet. I was extremely grateful that I was able to spend all day with my family as they were the best distraction and helped (for the most part) keep the tears away and let my smile shine on my face. The next few days I took it very easy, and was beyond lazy. I watched the entire new season of Gilmore Girls and many other shows. I had no idea how long of a process this would be. Both Friday and Saturday I only spotted and was able to tolerate the cramping with Tylenol. I had reached week 10 of pregnancy.

Sunday. A day I will probably never forget. I woke up and had started bleeding more, I honestly didn’t think anything of it and went to church. In the middle of sacrament I began sweating and shaking with pain. I was prompted to leave as soon as the meeting was over, luckily I did. I made it home as Spencer went to go get a heating pad and some other things that I needed. The few minutes he was gone were the worst. I fell to the ground several times, the pain so bad I could barely make it the bathroom. As part of it was already passing through me, my condition quickly declined. Not long after Spencer came home, we left for the Urgent Care to only get the news to go to the ER. Not only was I in immense pain, my blood sugars were dropping quickly, and I felt like I was going to pass out. I was hot, dizzy, and cotton-mouthed. Finally, they called me back. As I pulled myself onto the bed using the last of my energy, I just had to curl up in a ball from all of the pain. I had a team rush in soon after that, taking my vitals, hooking me up to monitors, drawing my blood, placing not only one but two IV’s, all while the doctor was doing an ultrasound. I don’t know how I didn’t pass out, but I stayed with it. I couldn’t get any pain medicine as my blood pressure was too low. Which actually took forever to get back to normal. I just had to deal with the pain. Not long after this, I was finally able to pass the rest of it. I was seriously exhausted. After a long wait, we confirmed my miscarriage with an ultrasound and bloodwork. The whole day is now a blur and made me feel numb.

I know that this happened for a reason. That reason may never be revealed to me, but this little spirit will come back to Spencer and me one day. Hopefully soon. I know that Heavenly Father is aware of our needs and has been by my side through this entire trial. Although our story did not have a happy ending this time, we have hope. The good news is that we can get pregnant. Our future is bright and we are not giving up on our little ones.

May I remind you of a scripture that helped me so much during this time, it is:

D&C 98 1-3

1Verily I say unto you my friends, fear not, let your hearts be comforted; yea, rejoice evermore, and in everything give thanks; 

2Waiting patiently on the Lord, for your prayers have entered into the ears of the Lord of Sabaoth, and are recorded with this seal and testament—the Lord hath sworn and decreed that they shall be granted. 

3Therefore, he giveth this promise unto you, with an immutable covenant that they shall be fulfilled; and all things wherewith you have been afflicted shall work together for your good, and to my name’s glory, saith the Lord. 

To all you mommies who have gone through this, my heart aches for you. It deeply saddens me that so many of us have to go through this awful experience. I would never ever wish this upon anyone. To all of those who have gone through this, I wish for  you to find hope and peace and know that there is always someone out there to help. It truly helped me to talk to those who had gone through this. 

GO FORTH AND DO! We love you and are incredibly grateful to have such wonderful examples in our lives at this time to help us move forward and look at our bright future

I found these pictures, that put a huge smile on my face, hope they do they same for you!