Mamahood Trials

_{As I am nearing 4 months post-partum I wanted to take a moment and reflect on some things. As I have thought about what I wanted to say, I got nervous because this post is making me very vulnerable. I hate being in the spotlight, but I feel that many moms can maybe relate to this in some way. I’ve said this before, but being a mom is the most difficult, most rewarding thing I have and probably ever will experience. There are things about motherhood, I never knew about until I had Evelyn, even though I knew many moms and talked with them about almost everything. Toward the end of my pregnancy I got real big. Spencer and I laugh at pictures showing how big my belly got those last few weeks. My skin was stretched out to the max and I remember on the daily I would lotion my belly several times a day. I was convinced my skin was going to rip that last week.}

_{I am amazed by what the human body is capable of doing. I loved being pregnant, and I am loving being a mom. Somehow my body knew how to progress through labor and deliver Evelyn (even though for a little bit she got stuck). Somehow my body knew how to produce milk so that I could nurse. Within a few weeks of having Evelyn, I had dropped 20 pounds and I could see my toes again. Every day it seemed that the weight was falling off. All through my pregnancy, I forced myself to eat really healthy, but still struggled to eat enough calories. With nursing, it’s an even bigger struggle. I feel like I have to eat all of the time to one, keep my blood sugars up, and two to keep my supply up. My blood sugars are a whole different story, but I am pretty sure I found a cure for diabetes… have a baby. It’s been 4 months and I literally take 10 units of insulin that is not in my basal drip, making it only 20ish units of insulin a day. Just to give you an idea of how little that is, while pregnant (especially at the end) I was taking a total of 60-80 units a day. It is a phenomenon I do not know how to explain, but am not complaining. Even with triple my normal caloric intake, I struggle keeping my blood sugars above 70 all day. Anyway, back to how amazing bodies are. The day I delivered Evelyn I weighed 160 pounds. I quickly dropped the water weight and Evelyn was 8 pounds. At month one PP, I had lost 30 pounds. Here I am just shy of 4 months PP and I weigh 117 pounds, 10 pounds less than what I did when I found out I was pregnant. I am laughing because I mostly went on walks and  go the gym occasionally. I eat all the time but I cannot get back up to where I used to be.}

_{Post-partum (PP) depression is REAL! Like most women, I was extremely emotional right after Evelyn came. Her broken arm did not help this situation. I cried too many hours to count the first few days after I came home. Especially in the bathroom where no one could see. It was a painful healing process for me. I tore pretty bad and had several stitches. However I kept telling myself it would get better. It did, off and on. I was distracted by friends and family and of course my little Evie, who helped a lot. Four to eight weeks PP I believe I was at my lowest point. I was depressed at how my body looked, exhausted from late feedings, and felt so empty. There were too many times where I couldn’t even change in front of Spencer. I tried to hide my saggy skin and stretch marks I discovered after I delivered. I am sad to admit that I was incredibly embarrassed of what my body looked like after I had Evelyn. I think all of the time now, “How could I have felt way!” During this time I would straight out yell at Spencer for no reason and lose my temper at the littlest things. I would roll (literally) my eyes at any advice given, especially when I was told, “Do this, not that, “What are you doing that for,” and anything that criticized me as a mom. I felt so bitter. Although I am 10 times better now, I still am working on getting my happy-go-lucky personality back. Aren’t hormones lovely? Another thing that did not help with this whole thing, I literally bled for 13 straight weeks after delivery. It wasn’t all bad and heavy, but more of an annoyance.}

_{Some things that really helped me get through this hard time. Praying. Every day as I struggled, the only real thing that could provide the most comfort. There were days that I prayed several times a day, just so that I could be reminded that I was doing enough and that I was the best mom/wife I could be. Laughing. I know this may seem weird, but I made it a point to find something to laugh at each day, to remind myself of how great life can be. While on maternity leave, Evie was the biggest help with this. Watching her grow and discover new things made me laugh and smile each and every day. Talking. Most days it was to myself about things I needed to do or wanted to do. It helped me stay focused and organized. Walking/working out. I started out slow, but every day on leave (well almost) I would take Evie out for a walk around my neighborhood. Some were short, some were long. It was so nice to get outside and soak in the fresh air. Those endorphin's were much needed. I also went to the gym a few nights a week. Hugs and kisses. Every morning before Spencer would leave for work we would take time to give a long good-bye and again when he returned. Of course, Evie also helped with this all through out the day. As long I did these things, I felt so much better, even in my lowest times.} 

_{I am happy to admit that becoming a mom has given me the strength I’ve always wanted, both physically and mentally. Becoming a mom has taught me to thrive in life, stand up for myself, conquer my fear of needles, love deeper, and learn to accept the messes that develop around me (like not having to do dishes every night). Being a mom during a time where womanhood is being challenged is difficult, but I wouldn’t have it any way. I love, love, love my baby. Coming home from work and seeing her smile and cuddle me, give me slobbery kisses, and even pulling my hair makes everything worth it. Evie is my greatest blessing, along with Spencer, that God has ever given me.} 

_{I’ve yet to see the movie, The Greatest Showman, but I have listened to the album a million times. The song “This is Me” has hit home on more than one account. It reminded me of how we are all different and going through different trials. I feel it is SO important to not get beat up by what society it pushing on women. I am far from perfect, but gosh I try every day to get to a point of perfection that is satisfying. I want to scream this to the world and let everyone know that no matter what life has or will throw at you, you are strong and will make a difference. So at this New Year, I’ve come to the conclusion, I am who I am and I am proud to be me. Insecurities and all. Here’s to us!}

_{Verse 2:}

<sub>Another round of bullets hits my skin
Well, fire away 'cause today, I won't let the shame sink in
We are bursting through the barricades
And reaching for the sun (we are warriors)
Yeah, that's what we've become

[Pre-Chorus]
Won't let them break me down to dust
I know that there's a place for us
For we are glorious

[Chorus]
When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
Gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I'm meant to be, this is me
Look out 'cause here I come
And I'm marching on to the beat I drum</sub>

_{I’m not scared to be seen}

_{I make no apologies, this is me.}

 Go forth and Do!